haven't left one'a these in a while....this one was particularly disturbing.

when i was in highschool...i used to have a whole lotta dreams about running. from someone, something...who knows. but i used to have a lot of them. they never really scared me a whole lot...once i woke up that is...but i had them a lot. i realized this afternoon that i really stopped having those...'cause i had one last week. it was a really creepy one 'cause i was running from 'the man'....

i remember VERY little of it...at least concrete things...but i remember very vividly how i felt about it. somehow...i killed someone. i don't exactly know how, but i know it was horribly, and i know i enjoyed it...and i know (believed) that he deserved it. all i really remember is a glimpse of slinking around near a chain link fence over what looks like kapolono park in kaimuki...but instead of a park it's a big parking lot...and there's a mob of leather jacket-wearing black-SUV-driving angry mother fuckers gathered (i'm talkin' DOZENS)to talk about finding ME. how i know this i don't know...but they were after me as well as the cops for what i had done.

...the scariest part was that standing there in the shadows watching them scheme to find me and kill me...all i wanted to do was kill every last one of them for the same reason i killed the other guy(s?).

kind of scares me...in almost every way i'm about as mellows as they come. there's not a WHOLE lot that i can't brush off if i want to...but at the same time...i don't think murder is ALWAYS a crime...i do think there are people who deserve to die. i have to wonder what the hell this guy did....or this group did...to make me think they deserved that...

standing there at that fence, i think i was thinking more about how i could get them...and how MANY i could get before they got me...or the cops got me...or if i'd let them get me....

i scare myself sometimes.